Such Clarity

There comes a point in which we come to realize that the friends you grew up with are no longer the same individuals you have come to know. What’s sad is that when we arrive at this point, we can see with such clarity that the connections from years past are but a distant afterthought and that is probably what hurts the most. When friendships die a slow death all parties involved are desperately clinging to a bygone era of our adolescence in which we at the time shared our lives, hopes and dreams with. Up until last night, I too was one who was desperately clinging to that period in my life. But life is what shapes us into who we are today. With our formative years spent in search of a life we all had in our minds, we failed to understand each others journey up until this point.

It is quite awkward to be thrust into hanging with old friends when there is no more new shared experiences in which to build new memories upon. It is not for a lack of trying, people change, priorities change, I fucking change! So goes it and here I am trying to capture some raw emotion from my realization last night.

Conversation topics fluctuate from small talk, how’s the weather bullshit to superfluous mind numbing boring shit like what bars make the strongest drink. But I too am guilty of bring up topics that are of no interest to the group, like blogging and twitter. But at the root of this, is not that the topics are of no interest, it’s because we as a group have no traction in which to relate to the stories.

So to fully process this new feeling I have for the people I used to know, and in trying to capture some initial feelings, it is with great regret that I must admit to myself that we are no longer the friends we were.

I am not saying there is no chance for reconnection but at this time it is unhealthy for me to be stuck in this juxtaposition of my adolescent self and the man I want to become.

A great indicator for me is that our collective life experiences have no traction to relate to each individual’s day-to-day struggles, so much so that even I cannot accurately convey what the fuck I do for a living. Life experiences dictate what constitutes as intelligent conversation, as such, everyone had nothing to talk about.

I had to write this post to fully grasp what I was feeling last night because I am quite sure everyone in the resturant was just waiting to get the hell out of dodge, and we all could see it. What kills me the most is that I too care not in their new day-to-day lives, which to me clearly indicates the demise of a once close group, I guess it starts here first.